Habits aren't well broken. Just masked beneath another. I haven't the slightest idea where breaking this habit is leading me. They say it takes twenty-eight days to break a habit. I say they're full of shit. It's been months now, and it just seems to hurt more each day. Like losing a limb every time you wake. And everywhere I look is a constant reminder. This, this won't go away. I thought it had. Like many times before. But I was just fooled like the last poor sucker. I guess I need to stay busy, or get more busy I should say. Would it even matter? Is this any different from the last half dozen times, and the other hundred to come? If I said yes, I'm a moron. I'm figuring out that nothing is as I thought. And nothing here is really something to compromise with. When you're so completely obviously stuck, do you fight?

I decided to quit smoking at the wrong time. Which isn't the habit I speak of above, just fyi. That one hits a bit close to home...

I'm bored. And I don't want to go to work. :(((

My anger sores as the boys mearly giggle in the other room. I'm furious. I just want away. Away from everything. When you love someone, do you show it by trying to take away what's dear?

School options for this semester kinda suck, don't they? Never the less, I think I have it mostly figured out. Monday and Wednesday evenings, I'll take First Responder. Hey, it fits the medical part. But long the hours, plus the short class list for the closer campus leaves me to seek online classes. Will it be my down fall?? I get my schedule today for the next month, so that'll also play a role in things.

Here's what I'm thinkin:
Interpersonal Communication
US History 2
Astronomy 1
Sociology 1
Human Growth and Developement

Long list. Can I pull it off? Or need I weed some out? Here's the thing. If I can finish these, I'm only a handful of classes away from my degrees. Meaning I could graduate by the end of next semester with more than just one.

I guess we'll see how it plays out. :)

I wanna love you but I better not touch.
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop.
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much.
I wanna taste you but your lips are filled with poison.
You're poison running through my veins.
Poison.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. *sigh*

I was wrong. I was really wrong.

There's so much I'd like to say...

I feel more alive than I have in a long time.

I could tell you why I'm so pissed off, or I could ramble on about my day and see if you pick it up.

When I went to class this morning, I was so antsy, I just couldn't sit still.

Right after I got out of class, Sean and I went to Sean's dad's to pick up a car seat. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but Sean's dad Shawn makes me so unbelievibly uncomfortable. Just being around the man sends chills down my spine. We got stuck there longer than I had wanted to because Shawn was all doped up on something and just kept going on and on.

We went to Bud's and picked up Buddy, Amber, and Darlene and took them to see the house. In short, we spent a couple hours there, and they absolutely love it. Then we drove them all over the area trying to find a baby monitor. Never found one.

We started at Walmart. Sean said we should go down to Sam's Club. Being that it was a twenty minute drive, and I'm loosing my breaks, I said no. And he fought me on it. With a fucking baby in the car and no breaks, I'm not going too far or fast for that matter. Bud completely understood, where as Sean couldn't even grasp the concept. He got under my skin, and I opted to go out for a cigarette before he pissed me off. Bud and Darlene asked me to stay. Darlene even came up and hugged me...for the first time...which was odd because she and I are one in the same, and I know she hates human contact. In short, it actually made me feel like I was wanted there.

From there, we went to Once Upon a Child, then to Big Lots. Didn't find anything good. I ended up calling my friend Linda and asking her where to find one. My god, she hooked us up fat. lol. Her sixteen year old daughter had a baby boy not long ago, and she was just getting ready to toss all her six month old stuff out. I'm picking it all up on Monday for Bud and Darlene.

Buddy bought us all dinner. He wanted to make up for all the running around and watching the baby for them we did over the course of today. While at Villege in, Darlene started on me. "Amber needs someone to grow up and play with. You need to get pregnant. Fast." It was hilarious. And Bud and Sean, "Oh no, one is enough!."

We took them home and helped them unload their stuff when Bud asked me to take him and Susan, their roommate, to one more place. On the way home from dropping them off, Sean and I got into it. Since then, the evening has been rather quiet. I've dropped it, but he doesn't want to talk. So, what can you do? Life goes on. He'll act like nothing happened in a couple hours.

I guess you could say I've been looking for someone to talk to. And I think Darlene is it. Between Bud and Darlene, I've seen a complete transition over the past six months. She still wants to be a kid, but she plays the mommy role rather well. I enjoy being in their lives. They're not your day to day people. Darlene and I are so similar it's funny. Right down to our eating habits and beliefs. It's almost as if I've found my lost sister.

Buddy came down to apply at work on Friday. Cracked me up to see him dressed all "properly." I kinda stole him from Sean, and he came down to the laundry so that I could help him fill out his application. I kept introducing him to everyone as Buddy, and he'd tell them Kenney. Since the hospital, everyone's been calling him Kenney, and I guess I can't just switch over. He'll always be Buddy. His real name is Kenneth. But I just don't see him as one.

I can't wait for them to move in. After today, I believe it's going to be even better than what I thought. The boys doing the landscaping as the girls sit on the balcony sipping lemonade and laughing our asses off at them. It'll be wonderful.

I feel better now. I think I'll go lay down. Night!

We're under contract. We got the house. We close in two weeks.

Bud and Darlene decided to get Amber back. It ended in a mad rush to the store, and a small homecoming party.

So, in short, we're moving in two weeks, and not only will Bud and Darlene be with us, but we also get the luxery of watching Amber grow and the chance to have an impact on her life.

We're getting the puppies in five weeks. I'm trying to stock up on toys. I promised Greg and Shelby they'd be spoiled. I wasn't lying.

I feel lost.

Take what you want. You've already stripped me of all I had. My beliefs, my love, my thoughts, my promises, my trust, my life. You've made me nothing. What more can I give?




We put a bid in on the house. We'll know next week if we got it or not, and we could be moving in as early as Feb. 27th.

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Putting in a bid on the house tomorrow, and within a week we'll know if it's ours.

YAY!

Around and around we go. Where we stop, no one knows. Things forever change. Where's the happily ever after? Do we grow?

I'm shaking.

Man in blue - "What's your number?"
Sean - "Babe, he's hitting on you."
Me - "Shhh. 720..."
...two minutes pass...
Sean - "So, we gonna play Halo 3 tonight?"
Man in blue - "I thought you were gonna play with me tonight."
Me - "Uhhh... I don't know what you're talking about..."

Anymore, I dread these days. I dread going to work. I have no life. And I hate it. What little time I do have on the weekends gets gobbled up by family. I spend maybe three hours a day in Sean's company. God I miss the old days. Where we'd spend the whole god damn day in bed ~ third eye blind reference, not actually what we did. But we would spend the whole day together. I miss having a life. I miss seeing friends. I miss my peoplez.